I am offended when people expect it from me. I preach to girls and others that it isn’t possible.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it’s unattainable.
But I still hold myself to that standard.
I’m nothing special. I’m not changing the world, feeding countries, or creating schools and homes for those less fortunate. I’m a junior high teacher. I’m a high-school coach. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a fiance. I’m a friend. I’m a dreamer. I’m a believer.
I’m the woman trying to live up to a standard created in her own head. I’m the woman who dreams big, notices needs, and strives to make things happen. I’m the woman exhausted not just physically, but mentally and spiritually with the never-ending opportunities and ideas to spread the love of Christ. But I’m just one woman.
I’m the woman who realizes she’s not enough, but still tries to be.
I’m the woman willing to admit that I expect perfection from myself, even though I know the only thing perfect about me is Jesus in my heart.
I’m the woman willing to admit that it’s overwhelming giving your life away. It’s overwhelming serving. It’s overwhelming seeing EVERYTHING that can be done around you, and knowing that’s what you’re here for. It’s overwhelming knowing that your heart still wants to care when others don’t. It’s overwhelming when your heart wants to give, when the people you want to love you the most, don’t.
It’s overwhelming… because I want to be perfect. I want to be able to juggle all of my schedule with a smile. I want to be able to love everyone and make them feel worthy and necessary and loved without ever wanting it in return.
But every time I convince myself I am capable of perfection, my heart aches, my blood pumps heavy through my veins reminding me that I want, because I’m selfish. I want, because I think I deserve.
I’m not perfect. No matter how hard I try to be, and no matter how hard I try to make myself be, I’m not. The standard that I hold myself to, isn’t the one that Christ does.
He knows who is the perfect One. He knows what I need, when I need it. He knows that those aches and desires to love others and give to others are genuine. But the falling short, the needing help, the realizing I can’t do this alone, are His gentle reminders that He is what I need. Him alone.
It’s ok to admit what you expect of yourself. It’s ok to be vulnerable and admit what goes on in the depths of your heart and mind. You’ll never grow with Christ, unless you’re willing to admit the real, specific, and heart-aching reasons you need Him in your life.
I need Him, because too often I try too hard to be perfect.
I need Him, because He alone is perfect. He alone is good.
I need His perfection. I need His perfect love, not the standard I convince myself I can perform at.
I don’t need to be perfect for His love. He gives it, without my consent.
But this is me consenting…
My heart wants nothing more than my Savior.
What does your heart want?
What does your heart need?